Friday, July 14, 2017

Summer Fantasy

I have a summer fantasy. It started way back during university. It goes like this: Summer is time for travel, reading books, drinking iced beverages, staying up late, camping, campfires, connecting with friends, fairs and fair food, swimming in the river/lake/ocean, exploring creative outlets, music festivals, flip flops, falling in love all over again while we go on midnight walks holding hands and having sex pretty much where ever and whenever we please. And fit, tanned bodies.

This is my summertime reality: I am sitting here on my unmade bed, using a broken laundry basket for a desk, stealing a moment to desperately write down the discord I am feeling realizing my summer actually is nursing a nearly two year old toddler and wondering how to make it come to a satisfactory end for both of us; hiding from the hot, hot heat in my basement; folding and stashing away six loads of laundry, wondering why I can’t keep only those six loads worth, and chuck out every other stitch of clothing that remains in our dressers and closets. It is scraping and scraping and scraping the paint on the deck and house so it can get that new, preserving coat or three. It is sealing the roof and seems on a leaking ’77 camping trailer we bought to help make some of my summer dreams a reality. It is spending more money than we thought we would on these upgrades and wondering if $300 more for a paint spray gun will be worth the time we hope it will save us. It is navigating two small kids and a husband who is equally hot, tired, grumpy, and full of his own dashed summer dreams, dreams, that like mine have become overwhelmed with home maintenance. It is forcing time to talk and touch so we don’t end up yelling later on. Instead of falling in love, sometimes it feels more like clenching the thread of love that holds us together and desperately trying to remember we are on the same team, working for the same goal. Hoping for the same dreams to come true.

I used to make elaborate plans for travel and leisure. Precious few of them ever came to fruition - and usually because they were paid for somehow by work. Then, being work trips, were not exactly about luxuriating on a beach somewhere. Still amazing trips though. Many, many of my future plans and schemes were really only wasted hours dreaming dreams that never came to pass. I feel too maxed out to dream right now. Yet, even now there is potential to be cooking up elaborate plans for the next five years. My husband wants to dream. I want to settle down deeply in the here and now. I don’t want to look any farther ahead than supper with friends tonight and kids swimming lessons that needed to be booked a week in advance. Being in this season of small people has seemed to weigh me down to a near stop. I took a lot of my dreaming, scheming ways into my first two years of parenthood, but I am resigning myself more to the snail’s pace at which we move through life, and the incredible changeability that happens moment to moment in the lives of small children and all they encompass, even while everything seems to also unbelievably be constantly the same.

I was gifted a mantra about six months ago. It came as I lay in the darkness of the January and February bed, reading books about permaculture while my baby slept beside me, starting tomato and asparagus seedlings in paper cups on top of my fridge. I was voracious in my need to create this garden oasis of berries, herbs and vegetable abundance; however much landscaping is required to make the steep hillsides in my yard terraced garden plots. Unemployed I may be, and unafraid to wield a shovel and wheelbarrow, but time is not one of the currencies I can trade in greatly. That exchange happens more highly in the area of stories read, baths given, strollers packed for outings and the general preparation and deconstruction of meals. I realized that my garden dreams were not going to come true this season. Probably not next season either. I could only do what was in my hand to do, a little here and there, a half hour stolen between pushing swings, or weeds quickly pulled up from the cracks in the sidewalk as we draw with chalk. More than this space, these people will always be my responsibility, and the space, the children and I will always be a work in progress. So while things have ground to a near halt for me, the mantra that has filled my heart with optimism and allowed me to breathe gratefully, has brought me back to living very presently in this moment only is, “I have all the time in the world.”

When I am tempted to become anxious about what may come five years from now, when I get frustrated that grass has been choking out my perennial beds, when my hugelkultur lays half-finished for the season, and the other little projects are scattered about unmade I can breathe and try not to worry about it. I can read one more story. I can take my kids to the creek instead. I can scrape the deck paint and tackle each task a little at a time. I have all the time in the world.

Instead of dreaming of being away, doing exotic things, or spending energy dreaming of a somewhat murky future with potential career options or relocations, I can rest knowing I have all the time in the world.


I’ve heard the “go-getters” in my travels say things like, “if you fail to plan, you plan to fail.” It might seem utter nonsense to base my life on an idea that is actually completely false. I do not, in fact, have ALL the time in the WORLD. Don’t think I don’t understand that. It is very apparent to me. I think the truth of “All the time in the world” is inextricably linked to “The most time you have.” It is only now. At once, “now” is both fleeting and eternal.  I’m not saying that I’m never going to plan ahead for something; or that I’m going to stop dreaming about the things that light my spark. I’m just choosing to be here, now. Imperfectly, I assure you, but I think this kind of presence in time is actually where all the dreams come true. As for my summer fantasy, there may not be fit bodies, but there are definitely flip flops. 

Thursday, June 22, 2017

Story Time

I’m back. I think.

It has been a long time since I posted on this blog. Not because my head doesn’t overflow with ideas about what I could write, but honestly, I just haven’t been able to justify taking the time to write in this medium. I am lucky if I take the time to simply write in my journal biweekly. There is only so much time and energy in one gal, so I have to be purposeful about how I spend that energy.

Don’t think I am a disciplined person who has a solid handle on the minutes of my day, making them as productive as possible. This is not the case. Last night I was up ‘til two am watching Netflix and then researching when the next season of the show I was bingeing on (3.5 hours last night) releases its third season. Right now, while the kids are playing, I could be washing the floor or scrubbing the bathrooms. I am not doing those things. I am not folding the laundry in the basket, or transferring the wet batch into the dryer (or out on to the racks on my deck for a more energy efficient solution) or working out. I am drinking semi-warm coffee, with the breakfast dishes on the table, and I am typing a blog post that as of yet I only have a vague idea where it might be going.

It doesn’t really inspire readership. Honestly, after taking a long break from writing for an audience other than me, it is hard to find the cojones to believe that anything I might possibly say would be worth the time it would take another person to read. What do I have to say that hasn’t already been said? Probably nothing. What do I know about writing that would contribute to the literary integrity of the interwebs? Again, nothing. I am embarrassingly amateur, naïve in many of life’s’ experiences, and limited in my ability to articulate in writing anything of lasting value. It doesn’t really paint a picture of profound insight or usefulness, I know.  

I don’t even have a purpose for my blog. It isn’t a mommy blog. It isn’t a blog about dreads anymore, since I cut that short. (Bah hahaha!) This isn’t a blog about art or food, how-tos, travel or faith. I can’t even say I am a writer trying to get myself out there because I haven’t posted anything in nearly a year. As of right now, I would say this is simply an extension of my journal; my story, written for me and the few friends who might bother to read, and possibly the odd stranger who might stumble here by mistake.

So why write at all? Couldn’t I just accomplish this task within the red binding of my journal and save the energy, effort and brain space of any of you out there who might read?

This is why I am choosing to write: Because story matters. My story matters. Your story matters. Our stories are the things that link us to each other. They are the bridges that span vast gulfs in time, space, misunderstanding and position. They are the most important gift we have to share, and the most precious gift we can receive.

I want to continue to share my story in between loads of laundry, hacking out a garden in my yard, changing diapers, nursing cold cups of coffee and walking the dog. I can’t guarantee I will post regularly, but I haven’t given up on this space. I want you to know your story is essential too even if it seems simple, unimportant, and poorly told - like mine. I’d love it if you would share with me.


Peace. 

Sunday, August 28, 2016

Writing Assignments

60 Word Nano Stories

*
I abhorrently used femininity as an excuse to be lazy on the farm so I wouldn't have to pitch as much hay or manure as my brothers. But when they'd accuse me of not pulling my weight I'd dive into a task and hope that if they told my dad I'd be found up to my elbows in pig shit.

*
We used to graze our milk cows in the ditches to conserve pasture. Four hours a day, every day, all summer. If a cow crossed a broken down fence into the neighbours' and cut up her teats there was hell to pay. The sky was impossibly blue. The wind weathered our faces. The horse flies bit chunks out of our skin.

*
Hazel eyes sparkle – squinting and grinning. Shaking hair like a mane. Strawberry stained lips, cheeks, fingers. Small arms reach hugs and kisses, “Hi, Eena! Hi!” Shrill voice patronizing yet so sweet. Chubby legs kick in delight. Gummy smile spilling strawberry slop on last night’s pyjamas. Blue eyes crinkle. Bright sunshine in the summer kitchen makes angels out of both. Sisters. 




100 Words On Departures

In Darkness, sparrows and robins have begun loudly making their daily plans as the mourning doves’ lament coos three part harmony in the moist air. A thread of light is birthed in the east and the grey shroud begins to evaporate exposing wells of colour beneath. Breath of dawn expands in the lungs of birds, trees, sky. Old Man Moon, still bright, hides his visage behind the trees as he makes a hasty escape. Clouds play an orchestra of purples, pinks, gold across a firmament young and ancient. Immeasurable verve begins the dance of the day. Unnoticed, night departs.



Ode to the Potty

O life of peace and diapers depart from me!
Thou hast lulled me into a stupor of simplicity and ease
Where I could come and go at my whim,
Hours tediously carefree.
But No more!
My life, now ever more compelling, abounds in
bargains and careful contemplation.
“To pee, or not to pee,” before undertaking any endeavour:
This is the question.
Once unhappily leisurely, days are now filled with puzzlement.
“Mommy! I’m DONE!” Lies spurt forth like diarrhea
After gorging on seafood entrees at a
Saskatchewan truck stop.
Can I trust this tiny tot’s emphatic pronouncements?
These are the riddles that breathe life into
Previously uneventful days.
I relent.
Wearily satisfied by untruths
And receive the hearty reward:
Soft and pungent evidence of the dupe.
Foul words fall from my lips like so much defecation
Spilling forth from toddler’s shorts.
Time has been a villain until now -
Permitting frivolity and devil-may-care!
Now - O - potty training
Thou induce order and acuteness to this life of laxity!
Hemming in thoughts, actions, and creativity;
Attuning the senses to one small mortal in one small chamber.
Pray! Make me privy to your secrets
As I contemplate this discipline confined to
Education’s stool.
Potty - well of wisdom, sharpener of focus, throne of patience,
Let not your lessons be evacuated from my consciousness.




- Peace

Saturday, July 30, 2016

The One That Got Away.

I have something I wish I didn't. And it isn't an infection. Maybe you've had one of these: a friendship that was pivotal, important, consuming and fulfilling in your life and is now missing. I have one of those. I've had it for nearly 10 years. There have been many friends who are beautiful and amazing and moved out of my life and it has been ok. They were for a time, and what a wonderful time, but because of circumstances the time has passed.  My life is better for having had those people, but it is ok that I move on from them.

But I have one friendship in particular that feels like “the one who got away.” 

This woman, she is a babe. And so smart and sweet and opinionated. She is so different from me. She was the yin to my yang. For about four years I wasn't quite me without her. We were equally slobby. We drank the same liquor – rye and coke as all good farm girls drink starting out. She taught me that milk from cardboard cartons really does taste better than from plastic. When we would get mad or claustrophobic, we would take the other for a walk. A long, fast walk in the winter air, so that at the end of it, our eyelashes were covered in frost and we could hardly feel our legs they were so cold. We worked at McDonalds together. Pierced our belly buttons together – well, not together literally, but at the same time. Lived together. Cooked runny eggs and toast for hangovers. Had our first taste of adulthood together. Our first boyfriends. Our first place. We spent holidays with each other's families. We knew everything about each other. We pushed each other's buttons, made each other cry, drove each other crazy. Loved each other.

But we grew apart, and she moved too far away to casually drive up for an afternoon tea.

To be honest, I think it was all my fault. I think she got away from me because I lost her. When I think back on our friendship I see countless times that she helped me, but it makes me wonder if I ever really helped her.

I was so young. 18. Too young to know anything worthwhile. Or at least too young and inexperienced to apply anything I knew of value. In some ways, we kind of grew up together; those first few baby-adult years away from home. As we were finding ourselves, we were also finding our mates, our voices, our paths, opinions and hearts. When I look back I am amazed at how much I changed between 18 and 22. And since then. I mean, there are core things about my personality that are the same; but I hope I have grown in maturity and grace – something I sorely lacked in those early adult years. 

While I was 18, I also found God. And I am not saying that in a facetious way. I had a legitimate, moving, experience with the Risen Christ and that became a big defining characteristic of my identity – as it still does, even more now. But I was young and wise, and uneducated about things like the baggage churches bring with them, as well as trying to define my own identity and belief system based on almost zero experience outside a farm kid existence.  Well, it was easy to pick things up that should be left on the ground. And it was easy to believe in absolutes. And it was hard to live one way without seeing it as the only way. I let people who weren't any more mature than I was teach me lessons they really knew nothing about. I became somewhat of a zealot, and a hypocritical one at that. It doesn't really lend itself to bff material. 

So there was that. 

Plus I was often a super sarcastic d-bag. I thought I was funny. 

I was also dating my first boyfriend. And, as everybody knows, making out time seriously cuts into friend time. And that boyfriend eventually, during those four years, turned into fiancé and husband. I was married before I graduated from University, and that can really separate a girl from her old crowd. Not because they ostracized me, but because being married has a bunch of responsibilities and expectations that set you apart from the not married crowd. It isn't bad, it just is what it is. 

Finally, there was graduation and the inevitable moving away to find jobs. It was kind of the last wedge that split the entwining of our trees of life apart.

We tried to keep in touch for a bit. Write letters.The occasional visit. But it all dried up too quickly. And I was busy with life, so while I missed her, I didn't pursue her. What a silly girl I was.

Instinctively I knew she shouldn't be one of those friends who drift into and out of life. She should be one of the Ones. There are precious few people who settle into one's soul in life, and they should not be neglected. They should be fought for and pursued. They should be treasured. Kept close in your breast pocket, next to your heart so you can feel the weight of them as a comfort on your way. I didn't know how to do that. The years grew and grew the space until it turned into a broken old sidewalk with weeds sprouting all up in the cracks and the distance was so great and the path so untravelled I didn’t know how to get started down it. 

I think I have a chance to walk it now.

I guess all I really want to say is sorry. Sorry for being a stupid “Christian” and letting that push you away. Sorry for letting other relationships push ours too far to the side. Sorry that I didn't pursue you once I noticed the gap forming. Sorry I didn't write. 

I hope that we can be friends again.

I miss you.


Peace.

Monday, May 23, 2016

The Dreadliest Catch

Dread Update!

Let me start by saying that I just wasn’t cool enough to rep the dreads to their full potential.

It was a struggle. I knew it was going to be. I knew they were a lot of work. I knew they needed some serious love and attention if I wanted them to look tidy and tight and kempt - yes, I do believe dreads can look kempt. Alas, the vision of tight, ropy, waist-length dreads, adorned with shells and coloured twine skyrocketing my coolness level to unimaginable heights was not to be. I cut them off.

I had one dread that was two years old, and it was beautiful. It fell nicely, it was tight, it had a big ass bead on it. It was the example I knew could be achieved if I dedicated two solid years to allow the dreads to mature. Fuzzy, loopy, and I had a bunch of rogue hairs lose all over the place.  This would be my hair reality for dos anos unless I put in some serious maintenance or had serious patience. Or went blind. The issue was multiplied because I have just experienced postpartum hair loss. It’s a thing. I have thousands of fine downy hairs all over my head. New growth from the molting event that recently occurred. And believe it or not, all those new hairs don’t know they are supposed to tuck themselves nicely into dreads. As a result they just stick out everywhere. Its really attractive. Trust me.


I had honestly considered cutting them off around Christmas, but I had some encouraging people who helped me rally for a few more months.  I thought I could hold on until two years. I really did. I thought I had set my resolve. But one Sunday night, after a shower, I was lamenting the ability to scratch my whole scalp at once and as I crawled into bed with my family for some down time before we went to sleep, I voiced the unimaginable:

“Should I cut these dreads off?”

“Yes!” - my husband hates the dreads.

He patiently let me run where my hippy heart would, but he did not like the mass of snarls and scratchy ropy tresses that now graced my noggin. I mentioned when I started this journey, that I am a short haired girl. I haven’t looked like myself in almost 4 years. Neither of us thought so.

Not Me. (2016)



Me. (2006)











The hubs didn’t just immediately jump on the “hack off the dreads” band wagon. He actually questioned me first. Was this a knee jerk moment? Was this something I was going to regret doing? Was this the first moment I had thought about cutting the dreads? I appreciate that he gave me space to make my own decision here instead of pushing his anti-dread agenda.

After waffling back and forth for a few minutes, I just went and did it. One at a time I used a pair of dull scissors and literally hacked each one off. I had all kinds of longish strands that were sticking out all over. Nothing was even. It looked like a huge mess. And then I had another shower to wash all the extra shorties and loose hair out. And it felt amazing. A.MAZE.ING!

Take a minute to drink in this masterpiece.
Like a train-wreck, it is hard to look away from.
I’ve got to be honest - the dreads were just not jiving with me and my lifestyle. In fact, because I am a short haired girl at heart, I didn’t like the way the dreads looked when they were hanging down around my face. As a result I kept them up most of the time and the extra weight sticking out from the back of my head made my neck hurt. And it bumped into the headrest in my car. I had to pile them up on top of my head or take my messy dread bun out to drive. When a hairstyle starts causing one pain, it is probably time to give up on it.



Also, they weren’t working with being a mom for me. They would get in the kids’ faces, and they weren’t nice to cuddle with. Not to mention how I would sprawl them across my pillow at night. It doesn’t really create space for kids or spouses to come close and cuddle. (Not that I am opposed to the space - I am not a cuddler - but they all are, and they all need some of that physical attention from me.)

So Monday I called a hair salon to see if I could get the hack job cleaned up, and I was fit in that afternoon. And finally after years growing my hair and about 10 months of dreads, I am a short haired girl again.


I LOVE IT. I was a little worried that I wouldn’t look right - maybe I was too chubby now for short hair. But for real. I feel like a babe. I am so happy to be back to me. And my husband has been enjoying rubbing my short hair head and snuggling up closer than he has been able to since my thick hair started getting some serious length.

I talked with some of the girls I have met since moving - they only know me with long hair/dreads so this is a big change for them. Everyone has been super enthusiastic about the hair, but I was talking to a girl about how we both tend to start projects or skills or whatever and not finish them. She jokingly said that she had failed herself so many times that she didn't want to start something new. I am not looking at this as a failure. I tried something that many people won't try. It was a long term commitment - growing my hair and putting in the dreads and letting them mature as much as I could - and I did it. No one helped me. I gave it my best shot. And in the end I found out it wasn't me. That I already knew who me was in the hair department and I am back there. Do I regret the time I spent doing this thing? Not at all. It was a rad journey that I can talk about and gave me some insights I would have never gotten if I hadn't walked this road. Try things out. Even if in the end you revert back to what you knew before - it isn't actually regression. It is an experience and a stretching. And my hair might be back to "normal" now - but I KNOW more about who I am because I walked out a different image for a while.

Thus ends a narcissistic chapter of my life in hair.

Peace.

Saturday, March 26, 2016

Discontent Part 2

Contributing Factors
So feeling discontented has got to be coming from somewhere. Last post I outlined areas in my life I feel discontent with. I don't want to be a person who lives with an uneasy feeling, packing it around like whiny child and pretending that this is how it's supposed to be. I want resolution! Where are some of these feelings coming from? Let's break it down.
1.     Pinterest Stress. I Admit it. It is an embarrassing thing to admit to, and I loathe the title: Pinterest Stress. I wish there was something more dignified to call it - but there it is. This awful phrase is an over simplification of a sort of over arching problem of too much social media. There are just so many AMAZING things going on in people’s lives, I get excited about them all and I think I should be doing ALL THE THINGS. Here is a brief glimpse of all the things that inspire parts of my heart mind or soul:

a.    Living with no furniture! This is an article about Katy Bowman and her family and how they have no chairs and they basically sleep on the floor and go barefoot all the time in the name of good health!  Love.
b.   Living in a Tent! While building a homestead! You can check out this super rad adventure at firsttimefarmers.com
Figure 1: Photo credits to @firsttimefarmers via Instagram



c.    Giving my kids adventurous, outdoor exploration and appreciation like Wild Explorers Club

Figure 2 Photo Credit to @nicolebianchi_ Instagram - via @wildexplorersclub

d.    Getting rid of basically everything we own and living a minimalist lifestyle.  Amanda Gregory is maxing minimalism in a beautiful way @mytinytribe on Instagram.
Figure 3: Photo Creds to @mytinytribe via Instagram

All her kids’ toys fit in that one basket. I kid you not. #my_minimalist_mondays
e.    Jumping into a van/bus/air-stream/tin-can/old motor-home and driving across the planet experiencing all there is to take in in this wild wide world. Check out one such adventure at www.americanfrolic.com
Figure 4: Photo Creds to @americanfrolic via Instagram

All of these examples are just a small smattering of the amazing things I have been reading about and wanting to do. I could list about 10 other things here - many of which are diametrically opposed to each other - that catch my attention and my heart. I mean, how can I travel the world and have a homestead? It ain’t gonna happen. In fact, as I was beginning to identify this as a thing in my brain, the Holy Spirit spoke some very profound words to me: “Mind your own business and do your laundry.” Touché.


2.    I am into year two of my life being drastically different than it has been in the past 10 years. The past ever, actually. I’ve never been a stay at home mom before, and “busy” for me used to mean I ran from one activity to the next, visiting with friends, teaching high school or running youth ministry. Suppers with people, movie dates, marking, planning retreats, meetings with fellow teachers or youth ministers who were excited about doing rad and creative things for kids. These days “busy” means that life moves so slowly, that once you take out meals and naps and the prep and time each involves, we can only do two other things in a day - if we are lucky. Clean. Take the dog for a walk. Go to a parent link activity. Visit friends. Bake. Pick up dog poo. Garden (if the kids allow it). Do something creative like write or sew or knit (if the kids allow it). Go to a park. Go to the backyard. And if I want to go do something myself - well that happens on Wednesday evening for 75 minutes. I go to an exercise class. If the kids allow.

These are pretty simple things. These things are my life. On the one hand, THESE THINGS ARE MY LIFE!!!!!! On the other hand, these things are my life.

This is what I like t call, the lack of the “Big Show.” I used to be a player in the “Big Show.” Now I am stage directing a “Little Show.”

I could list more things I guess, but really it comes down to these things. Actually it seems to all boil down to one thing now that I have it written out: lack of perceived adventure.
Perceived because I am on a journey right now that I have never been on before - so this season is inherently adventurous. Hmmmmmm. - I was expecting this post to take a different route. I was going to lay out a whole bunch of things and solve each problem. Funny how when I write things down through the course of a few weeks there is unexpected revelation.

Stay tuned for part three which I can see taking shape in my mind’s eye as I type: ways I am truly living adventure - a mind shift.



Peace.

Saturday, March 5, 2016

Discontent - Part 1


Spiritual Prompting or Stir Crazy?


You know when you have a good day – like a peaceful, slow paced, content kinda day. Maybe you get to spend some quiet time reading.  Maybe the kids are super endearing. Maybe it feels like you have not a care in the world. I just had one of those days. It really was nice and peaceful.  But then I looked in the mirror.  – Now please know this isn't a hate on myself post. I - like everyone – have those weak moments, but as a rule I don't let them track me around and I shake them off with truths that far outweigh any negativity that tries to hang itself around my neck.

Anyway, I looked in the mirror, and I thought to myself – you are a hot mess. And I vocalized this sentiment to my husband.  We had just been to a five year old's birthday party where I met some new people from my community and while I was there I also noted that I seriously needed some under arm charm. I was stinky. I was the stinky mom. I admit, it is harder to find time to shower as a mom than it was when there weren't little bodies in my constant care, but I would by no means say that I neglect personal hygiene. (Yes I have dreadlocks, but I keep them clean.) But I was smelly that day and I am still at the beginning of a health and weight loss journey that doesn't seem to be going super great. Not to mention having a toddler and too much stuff means that I sometimes feel like I live in a chaotic mess. Basically I was just feeling discontented about everything.  And it came on me suddenly after a fairly content and low key day.

What is the root of this nagging sense of un-rightness in my life? Did this feeling just come upon me out of nowhere or is it something I have been carrying around?

After the hot mess comment, my husband tried, unsuccessfully, to tease me and I couldn't shake this downer, nagging feeling for the rest of the night. As bedtime was approaching, I handed him my phone to read a Facebook article while I put the toddler in her jammies and helped her get cleaned up. We communed for prayers on her queen sized mattress and as we settled down I said, “I feel like I am in the winter of my discontent.”

What the crap am I discontent about?

To the untrained eye everything in my life is tickety-boo. Because it is! I don't have very many hardships.  Like basically none. There is nothing for me to complain about. So what is this feeling about? What areas of life am I not content with?

1.     My spirituality. I want to live my faith more authentically. I want it to be the centre of everything I do, the decisions I make, the way I raise my kids and  how I live out my marriage with my husband. I want it to permeate EVERYTHING.  
2.    My consumerist/entitled/wasteful lifestyle. I could use the old qualifier, “I'm not as bad as most.” But seriously.  That is weak. Who cares what “most” do? What do I DO? That's the real question and the only variable I can control!  So please, Wynder, cut the thin excuses and take a hard look at how you love (live).
3.    My health and fitness.  I have dreams in this area. Dreams of being able to do serious back country backpacking. Dreams of being able to do chin ups. Dreams of inversion yoga. Dreams of strength and flexibility that follow me well into my old age. Energy that matches my kids. Dreams of being able to have self control when it comes to sugar in my life. I'm not there.
4.    My messy house. We are not hoarders by any means; the pathways through our stuff are at least big enough to shuffle past another person, but honestly.  I would like my floor spaces to be empty and the flat surfaces of my life to be used for more than just collecting things like mail and tools I am too lazy to put away.  The boxes and things we haven't used since we moved need to go. What is my problem?
5.    My creativity.  I am a creative person, although it took me about a million years to realize it. But I haven't utilized the creative outlets available to me as best I could.


Five seems to be a significant number for me these days because I had five goals for this year. Here are five things I feel the need to pursue and change, but how oh how does one balance a list of five things, each of which could be a life's pursuit?