The most time you have...

A few years ago I was reading Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis. I was particularly struck by letter 15 when Screwtape, a deamon high in rank, explains to his nephew Wormwood the value of keeping his "patient" living either in the past or the future. It was imperative that the patient not make meaningful connection to the present as "The present is the only point at which time touches eternity. " Call me simple, but I was floored by this realization.  As a schemer,  the future is a place I had tried to inhabit, always waiting for something,  some moment,  some condition to be perfect for the living out of dreams to occur.  But I was shocked to realize I don't exist in the future or the past. I exist only at this point in time. And once I learned that, I was eager to expound on it with everyone at every opportunity. 

A short while later I was combing used book stores in my city for Jean Vanier's Becoming Human. (Listen to Massey Lectures here - buy the book here) I am a sucker for antique, thrift, and used book stores; they have a kind of allure to me, like I am getting a glimpse into something sacred. I can spend all day looking at items, furniture, books, photos, and trinkets that once belonged to someone else. It is like their lives have left indelible marks on the physical (and I'm not just talking scratches and crayon) that speaks to the inherent significance of each life, no matter the circumstance, known or unknown.  I walked into one particular bookstore which was organized in only a loose sense. As I scoured the shelves, I quickly realized I was getting nowhere fast and time was ticking by. There were places I needed to go, things that needed to be done. I inquired with the owner about the book, which he didn't have, and commented that I must come back one day to give the shelves their proper dues when I had the time. The owner replied to this sentiment with, "The most time you have is now." I smiled and made some polite dismissal as the door jingled shut behind me and I hurried on to my next commitment,  but those words rang in my head reminding me that I am not promised tomorrow and that I am only connected to eternity at the present moment in time. 

The Most Time You Have Is Now. - it is a phrase that has been an anchor for me for the past few years. A truth that rings through the noise.  A realization of the sacredness of the present moment. 

It might seem like I am stating the obvious, that this is a universal truth we are aware of from a young age. But, "The most time you have" is NOT to be confused with the catch phrase of the moment: YOLO.

I guess in their essence they say the same thing, but YOLO has been tainted with the short-sightedness of lust. When I was in high school, "You Only Live Once" was a mantra we lived by. It is not a new phenomenon.  It was an excuse to be as reckless as we liked; hang the consequences because we needed to seize every chance to fill the empty space with thrill. It was ok because we were "living each day like it was our last" and we wanted to experience everything and have "no regrets."

Don't get me wrong; I still want to squeeze every moment out of life, feel things with abandon,  live with excitement,  chase the things I'm passionate about, do the unexpected, take the road less traveled, and other cliches pertaining to living life to the fullest.  And I don't even look down on that youthful and narcissistic chant of the day: YOLO. It is part of the DNA of being a living, breathing, feeling human. And it can lead us to fulfillment as surely as it can lead us to despair. 

The difference for me between "The Most Time You Have" and "YOLO" is that one connects us to the moment to fully experience it - to relish it and acknowledge the vastness and beauty therein - and one turns our thoughts to the next experience - and robs us of the sufficiency of the juncture. 

The present moment is where real life is lived out. It is the space and place where we can truly touch eternity, where we have the opportunity to be united to connect with people, with ourselves, with God. We can miss it, too. We can miss it waiting for the next, perfect moment that never seems to show up. We can miss it reliving yesterday's moment of joy or regret. It only lasts for a moment, and there is no guarantee there will be a next moment - I have known many for whom the the next moment didn't come, and it didn't matter that they were in high school, or that they were the only surviving parent of a young girl, or that they were healthy, or that they had just given birth. 

"The most time you have" means everything. It is now, and it is the only chance we have to make a real choice. I am practicing to choose thankfulness, justice, love. I pray that every moment I am reminded of the most time I have.

Not a real blog post

I am in the middle of writing a blog post. Not this one - another one. A REAL one. It is about the title of my blog, but a couple of things happened.  First is that the last two weeks seem to have run away with me. Between Thanksgiving weekend, company, weaning calves, driving, trying to clean, taking a mini trip that turned into a small trip, renovating with my sister-in-law, a sick babe and the things coming up this weekend,  well, posting to a blog that only a handful of my friends may or may not read didn't seem to make it onto the "necessary" list.

This is a photo taken by my sister-in-law of my mom and I rounding up the cows and calves for weaning Thanksgiving Monday. Giddy up. 

Second is that as I was writing,  I started to sound a bit like I was attempting to write like a writer.  Maybe that isn't an  accurate assessment either.  I started using a thesaurus and was being (in my mind) a little philosophical.  Well, that got me thinking about voice.  How could I post something with the words "expound" and "juncture" in it since my last two (first two) posts were about my hair care regime and my sugar addiction! I would sound like a total chaunch - how could I sound like anything but a poser and a tool? Seriously?!

So what is my voice?  We all know that the things that go online always have some kind of polish to them. Yes - even you Instagram moms who swear you are laying it all out there on the line. You have to at least consider the things you share and choose the words you write. So what words do I choose and why? And do I have to consistently choose the same types of words or ideas or motivations when I decide to "put it out there."

When I was in jr high school,  I wanted to be a surgeon. In high school I decided I wasn't smart enough for that, so I thought about writing and journalism. The problem was that I was only actually interested in editorial style writing.  I remember saying I wanted to write my opinion about whatever topic I wanted and have people be interested in what I had to say.  How narcissistic - oh, wait... Anyway, maybe I'll blame society for giving me a large enough dose of reality, but I had a pretty strong feeling that nobody was going to pay me for my opinion on my limited knowledge and experience. But who needs to get paid when you can spew it out on the internet for free! -- But back to the dilemma,  what is my voice?

I'll tell you what it is. It is mine. Sometimes that is laughing until I'm hysterical at a Julian Smith video on YouTube,  sometimes it is discussing papal encyclicals or the problems with the UN. Sometimes I might cry over how much I love cooking and food (yes, that has happened), rant about social justice, and occasionally I might expound on the itchy nature of my scalp.... see what I did there? My voice can  be (usually is) loud, but it has tempered over time - thank the Lord - although it can still sometimes be muffled by my foot. I might talk about my babe, my daily life, my indignation, my passion, my feelings, current events, the world at large, and I might use my everyday words, or I might pull out the thesaurus and exercise my writing muscle, but rest assured, the voice is mine.

The beautiful thing is that I am so many things at once, and so are you! So consider this a disclaimer to any future post you may read and think, "Wow, what a load..." I'm not usually trying to sound like someone I'm not, and if my sound isn't ringing true,  feel free to question; but also consider I am not static and will not always sound the same.

I do what I want.  ;)     --Peace

Carbohydrates - The Complex

Hello, my name is Valerie, and I am a sugar addict.

Seriously.

I rarely walk into a store and walk out again without some kind of confectionary. When I was a kid, I loved going to the dentist because at each of my yearly check-ups, I never had cavities. I would rub it in my brothers' faces because they usually had at least one filling coming every year. In my grade twelve year, I had eight cavities that needed to be filled. Why? Because I bought and consumed a Slurpee. Every. Single. Day. I dislike dentists now.

Yesterday I ate a bag of licorice, a pile of cookie dough, some cooked cookies, a piece of chocolate, and when I did go to eat some real food, I topped it with red pepper jelly. The worst part is, I started hating each bite I took. (Ok, maybe I didn't hate the cookie dough, but the rest of it was killing me!)

The whole trying to be crunchy with my skin care products (which I have now documented as failed - see my last post) should extend into the realm of what I consume as well. In fact, more than my desire for greasy, hippy hair, I want the things I eat to be good to my body. Don't get me wrong, I want them to taste good - preferably like ice cream - but I want them to bring me life, not the churning-yet-stationary lump of death that I experienced through most of last night. Ugh.

I guess the point is that I am finding I need to start establishing some balance in my life. In all ways. I feel like many things are out of control and while I am definitely not a control freak, I do recognize when there needs to be some discipline in my life! Discipline is NOT my strong suit, but it is something I crave! I'm not necessarily interested in strapping myself to some kind of regimented routine, that kind of living isn't life to me, but I should be able to control myself! I want to eat food that makes me feel good. I want to do positive things for my body and soul. I want physical and spiritual discipline in my life.

At least I walked the dog.

- the only healthy thing I did yesterday

This is NOT a weight loss blog, nor is it some kind of championing of my road to some self-help regime (or lack thereof). This is just a girl who recognizes that she has been ridiculously blessed in life, and is wanting to say thank-you by making those blessings count. I mean, if you ask my friends, they will tell you how awesome I am, and I'm not one to argue, but I feel like a little discipline wouldn't hurt.

If I had to list what I would like to accomplish, this would be it:
1. Engage in God's word and in prayer daily
2. Curb my sugar intake to something reasonable. (I'm not sure how to define 'reasonable' yet - it probably will need to be like perpetual lent, with feasting reserved for Sundays only.)
3. Trim a few lbs off my shapely physique - like 30-40! Whew!
4. Work on my flexibility/endurance/back pain. I am worried I am getting old before my time.
5. Limit my aimless screen time to ten minutes a day. Too often I default into endless scrolling. I want my screen time to be productive.

Well, now they are written down. I'll work on the plan and the time frame, but if you read this and you would be so inclined, I could use a little help with the accountability! Feel free to ask how it's going, and then nail my butt to the wall if I'm making excuses.

Peace

My hair and my complex

Today I feel like I have a Complex. All I really wanted to accomplish today was a trip to the grocery store. But, we slept in (Thank the LORD). And nap time didn't happen until after noon - and didn't end until 3:30 (thank the LORD), so that means I am way behind on the day. Although I got a very small amount of unexpected cleaning done. Meaning, the garbage got taken out. But that is basically all. I have half heatedly started making the cabbage rolls I promised Mark for supper, but since I haven't been  to the store, well, they won't be done for tonight, that is for sure.

And really I only have myself to blame for the lack of time and the complex. And maybe the internet. I am getting a complex from the internet. You see, I am, at heart, a hippy dippy child. I like to do things the hard way, usually by hand; and that, I am sure, qualifies me for a hippy. But the internet. Oh you internet - full of blogs of people with so many hippy dippy ideas and recipes. I should have been a homesteader, because at least then there would be limited amounts of information for me to get lost in and I could actually legitimately do everything by hand and toil, toil, toil all the day long.

You see, today, I was consumed by my desperate need for a shower and to wash my hair, but listen to me. I couldn't. Here is the complex. I have been thinking about trying to be more natural with my soaps and hair care products, and I nearly have all the things I need to make my own soap/shampoo. And yet, I also feel like I have been fighting the lifelong struggle of an itchy/flaky scalp. Maybe not lifelong. Maybe only for a month or so. But it is maddening! And since I've been trying the alternative methods, the shampoo bars, the herbal things from the health food stores, my hair has felt so gunky. I hate to touch it. Which works out because I only comb it like once every three days anyway. But back to the story. I got stuck looking online at alternatives to washing my hair. I looked at the baking soda/apple cider vinegar method; the pH balanced alternatives. And before I knew it... AAAAAGGGGHHHHH! I was in an immobilized panic about how to properly care for my hair, the environment, accomplish my daily tasks and somehow get into the shower with the added difficulty of a six month old! And all the while my scalp is itching and flaking and my hair is covered in some kind of wax or crud from the bar shampoo I've been using the last few weeks, the day is ticking incessantly by and then.... I was too overwhelmed. I didn't want to deal with transition periods, or any of the struggle of trying to be non toxic and crunchy and live the difficult, homemade life. So I used the Head & Shoulders, guys. I cracked under pressure. Or maybe I just realized that at this moment in time, this day, in this season as a new mom who is trying to set up a new house in a new town with no friends (this is something I am becoming acutely aware of, but it's another story for another time) that if I use some store bought, toxic Head and Shoulders, the stuff my dad has used all his life, the world would keep spinning. And MY world would actually spin a little smoother. And you guys, my hair and scalp feel amazing!